Serendipity

Well, I'd say it's about high time that I posted something on this blog. For those of you that stumble upon this here blog, I'll apologize in advance--I'm more doing this for myself than for anyone else. Selfish, I know...but what can you do. In my experience, I've found that if you try and please everyone, you just end up getting used and walked on, and nobody actually ends up being satisfied. But I digress.

One of the things that I desire most in this life is serenity. Being at peace with myself and with the world around me. This can, of course, be rather difficult at times. Especially when one turns on the T.V. or reads the news, and  it almost seems that the most cheerful section one can read is the obituaries. Sometimes it's all to easy to lose focus of all the good things that are happening, and start to lose faith in humanity.

For me, it has always been easy--even natural--to be sarcastic and cynical about the world, and life in general. All over the planet things seem like they're going downhill, and things in my life haven't always been much better either. Between the stresses of everyday life and plaguing feelings of inadequacy and depression, it's all too easy to get a negative attitude about things.

Things change though. Sometimes faster than you'd ever think possible. For me, it started a little over a month ago. I'd been in a relationship where I felt like I was more inadequate than ever before in my life--nothing seemed to be working, and I felt like I was pushing a boulder uphill and struggling to keep it from crushing me. It certainly wasn't the fault of the woman I was dating--she's a good friend of mine really. But finally, she told me that she didn't feel right about our relationship and called it all off. To some extent I was relieved--I didn't need to tear myself apart about it anymore, and the crushing weight of inadequacy was gone, to some extent. Sure, the pain was still there, because in my mind our relationship had ended because I wasn't good enough (even if that wasn't really true). Of course that's gonna sting. But all the same, I didn't need to keep struggling to keep the boat afloat, as it were.

Nevertheless, I was crushed. I was anticipating that as soon as this happened to me, I would slip into a deep depression and lose faith in love, in humanity, in everything. I had been trying so hard, and not a bit of it had mattered, it felt like. But before I allowed myself to commence my descent into my own personal pit of despair, I turned to a close friend. To make a long story short, this close friend reached out to me and helped me in a time of need, and as time went on, she went from being my close friend, to my best friend...and now to my fiancee.

I'm still not entirely sure why she was the first one I turned to in my time of need. Maybe it was coincidence, maybe chance...in my opinion it was something like unto 'divine intervention'...(the discussion of my religious beliefs will be a story for another day.) But in any case, my life has been changed forever. Her name is Olivia Paxton, and she's one of the most caring, sweet and beautiful women I have had the privilege of meeting  The way she makes me feel can't quite be put into words--but she makes me feel like I'm the greatest guy in the world.

The one thing I want for her more than anything in the world is for her to be happy. As usual, in the back of my mind I still doubt that I'm good enough for her--but she's reassured me time after time that she's lucky to have someone as great as me. And then I feel that I am the one that's lucky to have her...but in the end, it's a beautiful thing. We both love each other very much, and we're both very grateful to be where we are. But she gives me a reason to get up in the morning, a reason to keep on going when it gets hard, a reason to look for the positive in everything.

Olivia and I are getting married just after Thanksgiving--just under two months from now--and I am really nervous/excited about it. It's a very exciting time in my life, and I can honestly say that I've never been happier. Not that life is any easier per se, in fact it's become much more stressful in some respects. But she has helped me get one step closer to my goal. Serenity. She makes me feel like I'm good enough, like I'm worth something. She's willing to look past my imperfections and just love me anyway--something that I have a hard time doing with myself. I still have a long way to go before I do reach total serenity--and it's something that I have to fight and work for every day--but I am so grateful for her. I don't know what I would do without her.