Winter Update

I finished with my finals yesterday, and I can hardly believe that this semester is already over -- sometimes it seemed to drag, but in hindsight, it wasn't much more than a blink of an eye. I've been married now for three weeks, and I must admit, so far it has greatly exceeded my expectations. I've always gotten very mixed opinions whenever I talked to anyone about marriage. Some would say it's great, something that everyone should experience. Others were more of the opinion that marriage was nothing more than a 'Game Over', the end of all the fun--stuck with a 'ball and chain' of a spouse.

For me, this has definitely not been the case. It hasn't been great--it's been wonderful. Sure, it's not like my life got a whole lot simpler or easier by getting married, quite the opposite. There have been many problems and worries that have plagued us that we hadn't even considered as single people. Having someone there with me, though, committed to love me and stand by my side through thick and thin, makes it all well worth it. I love her dearly, and I'm very grateful that she's willing to stick it out with me.  When I have time, I'll have to upload some of the wedding photos, that my wife's Uncle Rex so graciously shot for us.

In other news, I'm continuing along with my studies at BYU -- I'm signed up for the last of my prerequisite classes for the Animation major; figure drawing, a class I've been looking forward to for quite some time. If all goes well, I will apply for the major this upcoming summer, and things will go onward and upward from there. Maybe if I have time, I'll upload some more of my artwork as well.  Life continues to get busier, but I'm glad that we will both be able to take some downtime over the winter break and get rejuvenated and pumped up for next year!

Time

            Time is quite fascinating. The span of merely an hour can feel like nothing more than a moment when in good company – or like an eternity when in pain. There always seems to be too much of it when it’s unwanted, and yet not enough when it’s truly needed. Gollum, a character from J. R. R.  Tolkien’s The Hobbit, presented this riddle in hopes of getting to eat poor little Bilbo Baggins.

This thing all things devours:

Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;

Gnaws iron, bites steel;

Grinds hard stones to meal;

Slays king, ruins town,

And beats high mountain down.

"Mist & Noctilucent clouds" by Mikko Lagerstedt

            There are few things in this world that can withstand the test of time truly unscathed. In my Geology class, we discussed geologic time a few weeks ago—and it is simply fascinating. The mountains, canyons, lakes, hills, valleys—all these amazing parts of nature that we see every day took thousands upon thousands of years to form. We think of many of them as being static and unchanging, but mountains come and go just as anything else does. It’s only a matter of time. It is often difficult for us to fathom such things, processes that can take hundreds of millions of years, since the average person doesn’t live much past 80 or 90. It’s nearly mind-boggling for someone that’s hardly experienced 100 years to fathom 100 million years.

            The lifelong pursuit of many has been to create or build something that will withstand the test of time—some through literature, artwork, inventions, or revolutionary new ideas. I’ll admit it, for the longest time there has been something that I’ve wanted to make that will indeed withstand the test of time—something more solid and immovable than the mountains. This upcoming Friday, I’ll get to do it too. I’m going to be getting married to the love of my life, my best friend—I’ll be starting my very own ‘happily ever after’. This marriage is going to be special though—not a simple “Till death to you part”. No, we will be sealed together for time and all eternity.

            Yes, I know, eternity is a long time, and it’s not going to be an easy thing by any stretch of the imagination. But you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way—I won’t be alone for it all. I would much rather face an eternity with someone by my side to share it all with, the good and the bad.

            As of right now, the wedding is 4 Days, 3 Hours, 21 minutes and 25 seconds away, and then that whole time thing comes up again. We’ve been engaged for about three months now, and though at the beginning of the three months it seemed we had an eternity before we were to be married, it’s all flown by so fast it’s hard to grasp. Now the days are down to single digits, and time seems to have stopped. It’s only a few days away, but it still seems so far off. Funny how time works like that, isn’t it?


Image from https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-h-9xrTXQDgw/ToG3oLO_u5I/AAAAAAAAECc/NFoSzhwIsFM/s950/mistnotctilucent.jpg 

Melancholy

        Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel melancholy and can't quite explain why? Today, I was having one of those days--a day where I could listen to something by Death Cab for Cutie or the Postal Service, and it would fit right in. Sure, this happens every now and again to everyone I think, but it seemed particularly bad for me today--and it was getting to the point that I was affecting those around me. I'm fine with it if I get down once in a while, but not if it has an impact on others. That's simply not okay in my mind.

        I was still on campus, so I couldn't really do any of the things that first came to mind to remedy the situation--go for a good long run, take a nice hot shower, snuggle up in a blanket, that sort of thing. Just as I was in the midst of deciding how to shake this feeling, I found a note of sorts that my fiancee left for me. Now this isn't the first time that someone's done this for me, but it has happened more times than I can count. Someone just does a random act of kindness, if you will--they share something with me, do something for me, or even just give me a random compliment. In nearly every case, the person had no idea how down I was really feeling, they just happened to be in the right place at the right time to lift me up. And today, it was my Fiancee that came to my rescue. (If you'd like to see how she helped me out, you can check it out on her blog here. I'll warn you though, It's a cute, mushy love letter of sorts so beware if you don't like lovey-dovey stuff like that).

        In my personal experience, I've found that this has happened far too often to be considered mere coincidence--and I'm not much a believer in such things anyway. Being the religious type, I call it evidence of sorts that there really is a God out there that cares about me personally, that knows what's going on in my life and wants to help me out.

        Now don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of times when I've been depressed or unhappy, and nobody has so much as lifted a finger to help me out--I just had to suck it up and get over it as best as I could by myself. I don't believe that God would ever protect me from ever having anything bad happen to me, nor do I expect him to. This life would be a colossal waste of time if I never got the chance to learn from my mistakes, or experience the joy of overcoming struggles. All the same, sometimes I am able to see the ways that God reaches his hand out to help me in time of need. I don't believe that God would leave us completely and utterly alone, though I've found that I'm really good at distancing myself from Him when I put my mind to it.

        It's finally November, and here in the States we'll soon be celebrating Thanksgiving. At this awesome time of year, we try to focus on the things that we're thankful for, and today, I'm definitely grateful for my awesome fiancee--grateful for the amazing ability that she has to lift up those that are down (me included). I'm grateful that she puts up with me, and has made the decision to choose me. Life isn't always perfect, but right now, it's better than ever before.



Pictures from http://attackofthecute.com/on/?i=123 and http://attackofthecute.com/on/?i=2524 , respectively

Genius

        I found a quote today that I really liked. It was from good ol' Albert Einstein.

        "Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
                
        It is important to remember, I think, that everyone is a 'genius' in their own way. For some, it may be that they have exceeding physical prowess--for others, they have great mental capacity or even astounding artistic ability. Too often with people, we just skim the surface and never really look deeper--and in so doing, we never get to appreciate the amazing 'genius' that some people really have. Unfortunately, when we do this we also oftentimes leave people feeling that they're not that great at anything or that they're no good. Don't let the opportunity to get to know someone pass you by.




Picture from http://th.physik.uni-frankfurt.de/~jr/physpiceinstein.html

Outlet

        There have been many times in my life when there has been so much stress and worry that I just wanted to explode--times when more than anything, I just needed to release some internal pressure. Blow off some steam, let my mind loose. Time and time again, I've found that my best friend in such instances is a good ol' paper and pencil.

        Sure, sometimes I can just write down my thoughts and feelings and I'm good to go--but this isn't all that a notebook is good for. One of my favorite outlets has pretty much always been doodling. I don't know what it is about it, but there's just something so satisfying about letting your imagination take form on a page. Sometimes my drawings would emulate exactly how I felt--and often it also would show how I wanted to feel.

        Here is a smattering of my imagination, come to life on a page. This is from quite some time ago--more than two years ago, I'd wager. I need to get back into the habit of drawing every once in a while. Just looking at these doodles reminded me of how enjoyable that always was for me.

Rocky

        It would seem that I'm learning more than I expected in many of my classes this semester. In my Geology class, we've learned about some neat stuff that I found was much more applicable to my life than I thought possible. I mean really...how can you apply rocks to your life?

        Well, not too long ago we discussed the different types of rock, geologically speaking. There are three--igneous, sedimentary and metamorphic. I won't bore you with the details, but I've discovered that, in a way, I'm in the process of becoming a metamorphic rock (metaphorically speaking. Wow, lots of long 'm' words around here). In layman's terms, metamorphic rocks are rocks that have gone through a metamorphic phase and become something new entirely, usually due to heat and pressure. For example, granite is a type of igneous rock. It's quite lovely to look at, lots of cool little gray, black and white speckles. But if a piece of this lovely granite becomes partially melted and subjected to the right amount of pressure, the composition of the rock will change entirely--the bonds between the different atoms in the rock will break and realign. The rock doesn't melt down completely though--then it would just turn into magma and later become an igneous rock. After it hardens, instead of just having granite, you have something else entirely--a metamorphic rock called Gneiss, which is pretty awesome looking. 

What a Gneiss rock...

        That's all fine and dandy, but what does that have to do with me, you ask?

        I'm, metaphorically speaking, a rock of some sort. I have my strengths, my flaws, my breaking points, etc. Right now, I'm undergoing a lot of heat and pressure--preparing to get married, trying to stay on top of things at school and at work, keep my body healthy, maintain relationships with family, etc. and on top of all these everyday things, there are of course problems that arise. Unexpected setbacks and disappointments...trials and adversity...there's always something, in some form or another. Under all of this heat and pressure, I am being metaphorically metamorphosed (oh, how I love alliteration..) into something completely new. God is transforming me, day by day, from the flawed rock that I am into the solid, flawless stone that I need to be. Sure, it's hard to undergo so much, especially when I might've been happy with that old flawed rock that I was before, but God needs me to be more. And best of all, though sometimes I might be feeling the heat, God's not going to let me melt down completely. Just enough to mold me into what he needs me to be.

         Isn't that a Gneiss thought? (Haha...ha...ok well my Geology teacher probably would've laughed..)


Photo from 


http://www.sciencephoto.com/media/169553/enlarge

Understanding

       It's amazing what you can learn when you read between the lines. Right now, I'm taking an Art class at my University, and I learned a thing or two in that class that I never thought I would. As one of our first assignments, I was supposed to read the first chapter in a big, boring looking textbook called "The Visual Dialogue". I just about started falling asleep from hearing the title. The first chapter was titled "Art Appreciation and the Aesthetic Experience". It went on and on about mankind's drive to create images and such, from architecture to cave paintings and so on.

        Eventually, I came upon a part of the text that discussed ways that people react to art. Sometimes artists use methods, images or things that are unfamiliar or unorthodox to us to try and communicate their ideas. It discussed that oftentimes, when viewing art, people were much more comfortable looking at pieces that were more traditional or that used methods that didn't seem wild or crazy or foreign to them.

        As part of the assignment, after the readings I was supposed to go to the University's museum of art. While there, I was supposed to pick out two different art pieces--one that I was comfortable with, and one that I was uncomfortable with or just didn't quite get, and I was supposed to do a critique on them. Basically write about my thoughts, feelings, observations, etc. on the piece. Bear with me here, I'm getting to my point.

        While I was meandering through the museum, I was actually a bit surprised. Very much like the textbook had discussed, when there was an art piece that I didn't really understand or that used techniques that were foreign/weird to me, I was much less comfortable with it. Often times I would even just walk past such pieces, not even giving them a second glance. The thought came to mind--do I ever do this on a greater scale? If there are people, ideas or simply new things that I don't understand or are foreign to me, do I simply ignore them? Walk past them, metaphorically speaking, without looking any deeper?

        When I did the second part of the assignment, and actually went to a piece that I didn't understand (even just wanted to walk away from). I sat in front of this piece for a while, and looked long and hard at it, trying desperately to understand. I found that after some time, the piece started to make sense to me--I didn't feel the urge to ignore it anymore.

        Could the same apply to, for example, people? I firmly believe so. People, ideas, anything that is different or foreign to us. And a lot of times, when we sit down and just try to understand someone instead of making hasty judgments, we'll find that we're not all that different after all.

        Amazing what you can learn from an Art class, isn't it?





Images from 
http://www.mindingthecampus.com/originals/textbooks.jpg
http://attackofthecute.com/on/?i=1902

Healing

       For those that have gone through difficult, even painful times, I found a comforting little quote. It's about a man that I greatly respect that went through a painful heart bypass surgery.

     "For several weeks my physical activity was severely restricted by intense pain, but I learned the joy of freeing my mind to ponder the meaning of life and the eternities. I discovered that if I dwelt only upon my pain, it inhibited the healing process. I found that pondering was a very important element in the healing process for both [spirit] and body. 

“I have come to understand how useless it is to dwell on the whys, what ifs, and if only’s for which there likely will be given no answers in mortality. . . . The questions Why me? Why our family? Why now? are usually unanswerable questions. These questions detract from our spirituality and can destroy our faith."                      
        -Elder Robert D. Hales

Often times, we go through difficult times, and begin to question things. Sure, not everyone is a religious type like me, but the questions often arise--why me? Why now? Sometimes we seem to be doing everything right, and yet bad things still happen to us. I've met many people that use this alone as evidence that there really is no God, because if there really was a loving caring God out there, he wouldn't allow such things. Or if God would allow such things, he certainly isn't the loving type that everyone is raving about.


I'm not a wise, all knowing person, and honestly I'm still pretty young and have a lot left to learn. But one thing that I know for sure, is that God really is there, and that he loves each and every one of us. The difficult thing to understand is why this loving God would ever allow humanity to just run rampant and cause all the strife, war and troubles that it does. And what it comes down to is Agency. God has a plan for us--a reason why he created this earth and placed us on it. We came down here so we could experience life and learn and grow. One of the parts that makes this plan work, is that we must be able to make our own choices--good or bad. If God stepped in every time that we went to make a bad decision or do something wrong, we wouldn't ever learn anything for ourselves.


Yeah, I know, this probably leaves more questions than answers, but basically what I'm getting at is that we all go through hard times. Everyone has a time in their life where they feel like they just can't keep their head above the water. It is simply part of life. But the neat thing that Elder Hales teaches us with his story is that if we dwell on our pain and our problems, it hinders our ability to grow, to flourish--to be truly happy. 

The French author Voltaire wrote “Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.” 
If in times of hardship (as strange as it may sound) we focus on helping those around us, true happiness can be found.  


Picture from http://attackofthecute.com/on/?i=1209

Oasis

      Needless to say, these last couple of days have been hard. Who says that life is all of a sudden easy when you're doing the right thing and going the right direction? Liars, that's who. For some reason I can't quite explain, I've just been having inner tension of some sort that's leaving me nervous and anxious for no real reason at all. Maybe it's everything causing it--work, school, being engaged, life in general--or maybe it's nothing. I really couldn't say.

        Sometimes that's just how it is--you feel like you're being stretched in so many different directions that you might just snap. You just want to cuddle up with a teddy bear and pretend like everything will just take care of itself. But luckily for me, I happen to be engaged to (in my very biased opinion) the best woman in the whole wide world. Sure, she doesn't make all my problems go away (as nice as that would be), but she gives me a reason to keep on going, to keep on pushing right when I think I can't go on any longer.

        It's almost like, metaphorically speaking, I've spent my life in a desert, trying desperately to survive. Along the way, I've seen plenty of mirages, hoping to find a place of refuge from the deathly heat; as I chased each mirage, all I would find was disappointment and despair. Then I found Olivia, my Oasis in this otherwise dry and dreary world.
      
        Yeah, yeah, I know, it sounds mushy and corny, but it's true. She makes life so much better. Sure, she can't make my problems disappear, but she gives me strength and determination that I never knew I had. She makes me want to be better, to try harder to be the perfect guy that she truly deserves. Far too often, I fall short of this. Why she ever chose a flawed guy is quite beyond me--she deserves a Superman, a Knight in Shining Armor, a Prince Charming. I definitely don't fit the bill for any of those--I'm not bulletproof, I can't fly, I don't have a white steed, and I'm no handsome prince...but for whatever reason, she loves me. I don't even know what to call it...it's way too amazing to call it luck that things would turn out this way.

        In any case, our wedding is fast approaching. It's next month! That's so crazy to think. Olivia managed to sell her contract yesterday, so she's going to be moving in to our apartment this weekend; that's pretty crazy as well. It's almost like there's a weird time paradox--it seems like the wedding is so far off, and yet everything is falling into place and working out so fast. That probably makes absolutely no sense but that's the best that I could put it into words. It brings to mind the lyrics from a Phil Collins song..."So close, and yet so far".

       Anyway, the moral of the story is, in spite of trials, troubles, tribulation, inadequacies and what have you, I'm happier than I've ever been. Sure, I'm nervous about loads of stuff...I'll be sharing the rest of forever with the woman of my dreams. Who wouldn't be somewhat nervous about that?


Picture from  http://attackofthecute.com/on/?i=1284

Dreamy

     Yesterday I had wonderful experience. For a few fleeting moments, I found pure serenity. While I was waiting for Olivia's class to finish, I just relaxed on the grass, and eventually slipped into a comfortable snooze. I can't have been asleep for more than a couple of minutes when I started dreaming. It was only for a few seconds, but I remember seeing Olivia's face. She had a big ol' grin on her face, and she was positively beaming. She honestly looked happier than I'd ever seen her. At the same moment that I saw her, a feeling washed over me--one that I can't entirely describe. It was almost like a huge bucket of happiness and peace was dumped inside my chest. So much that I could hardly contain it.

        It was only for a few seconds, and then I woke up, but it was one of the best feelings I've ever had. To me, it was a reassurance that we're doing the right thing, and that more happiness than either of can imagine is yet to come. I want to go back to those few seconds and just replay it over and over, feel those same feelings a million times over again. Someday, I think we'll be there together in that moment, and it won't ever have to end. It'll just go on forever.

Anticipation

     There are some big changes coming up in my life though. Getting married, moving out...and basically starting a whole new life. I mean, sure, I've been living on my own for some time now, but this time it's going to be so very different. To be completely honest, I'm nervous about it. 

        Truth be told, I'm not a perfect person. Big shocker there, I know. Up until this point in my life, though, whenever I've screwed up or made mistakes, for the most part it would only affect me. Once I'm married, this will most definitely no longer be the case. At  this juncture, this is one of the things that makes me nervous about being married. I can handle it if I have to deal with my own inadequacies and mistakes, but now my wife will have to put up with it too. 


        When I think about life since I've been with Olivia, a song comes to mind. It's called "This is For Real" by Motion City Soundtrack. 

This is for real, this time I mean it

I'm coming clean, please don't let go

I said from the start you can take it or leave it

I'd prefer if you keep it, don't let go

This is the best thing that I've ever had, for real

This is the best thing that I've ever had, for real

        She's wonderful, and I want to rock her world and make everything perfect for her. I'm going to try my best, but I've often found that my best just isn't good enough. I thank God every day that someone as amazing as her would put up with me and my shortcomings. 

        Anyway, in other news, things are coming together nicely as far as our housing situation is concerned. We found a great apartment that was in our price range--great neighborhood, good location, affordable, spacious...doesn't get much better! We still have quite a bit of furniture that we need to procure, but for now all we'll really need is a bed. And luckily for us, my parents have decided that they want to get us a bed as a wedding present. So we have the bases covered in that respect, which is nice.

        That leaves only one loose end, which is my fiancee's apartment that she's living in now. She still needs to sell her contract, and I was thinking that we would have the hardest time with selling it. Much to my surprise, before we had even posted online that she wanted to sell her contract, she got a call from someone that was interested in taking a look at the place. She'll be coming by tonight to take a look at the place, so we'll be keeping our fingers crossed that all goes well and she'll actually want to take over her contract. 

        It's almost eerie how everything has been falling into place like that. Sure, it doesn't mean that all of a sudden since we've been engaged all of our problems have flown out the window and everything has taken care of itself, but there have been enough miracles happening for us to both know that we're doing the right thing. Big changes are coming, alright. And in spite of all my nervousness and worries, I'm nearly trembling with anticipation! Only 55 days, 15 hours, 36 minutes and 25 seconds to go! I can hardly wait! 

Picture from http://attackofthecute.com/on/?i=180

Serendipity

Well, I'd say it's about high time that I posted something on this blog. For those of you that stumble upon this here blog, I'll apologize in advance--I'm more doing this for myself than for anyone else. Selfish, I know...but what can you do. In my experience, I've found that if you try and please everyone, you just end up getting used and walked on, and nobody actually ends up being satisfied. But I digress.

One of the things that I desire most in this life is serenity. Being at peace with myself and with the world around me. This can, of course, be rather difficult at times. Especially when one turns on the T.V. or reads the news, and  it almost seems that the most cheerful section one can read is the obituaries. Sometimes it's all to easy to lose focus of all the good things that are happening, and start to lose faith in humanity.

For me, it has always been easy--even natural--to be sarcastic and cynical about the world, and life in general. All over the planet things seem like they're going downhill, and things in my life haven't always been much better either. Between the stresses of everyday life and plaguing feelings of inadequacy and depression, it's all too easy to get a negative attitude about things.

Things change though. Sometimes faster than you'd ever think possible. For me, it started a little over a month ago. I'd been in a relationship where I felt like I was more inadequate than ever before in my life--nothing seemed to be working, and I felt like I was pushing a boulder uphill and struggling to keep it from crushing me. It certainly wasn't the fault of the woman I was dating--she's a good friend of mine really. But finally, she told me that she didn't feel right about our relationship and called it all off. To some extent I was relieved--I didn't need to tear myself apart about it anymore, and the crushing weight of inadequacy was gone, to some extent. Sure, the pain was still there, because in my mind our relationship had ended because I wasn't good enough (even if that wasn't really true). Of course that's gonna sting. But all the same, I didn't need to keep struggling to keep the boat afloat, as it were.

Nevertheless, I was crushed. I was anticipating that as soon as this happened to me, I would slip into a deep depression and lose faith in love, in humanity, in everything. I had been trying so hard, and not a bit of it had mattered, it felt like. But before I allowed myself to commence my descent into my own personal pit of despair, I turned to a close friend. To make a long story short, this close friend reached out to me and helped me in a time of need, and as time went on, she went from being my close friend, to my best friend...and now to my fiancee.

I'm still not entirely sure why she was the first one I turned to in my time of need. Maybe it was coincidence, maybe chance...in my opinion it was something like unto 'divine intervention'...(the discussion of my religious beliefs will be a story for another day.) But in any case, my life has been changed forever. Her name is Olivia Paxton, and she's one of the most caring, sweet and beautiful women I have had the privilege of meeting  The way she makes me feel can't quite be put into words--but she makes me feel like I'm the greatest guy in the world.

The one thing I want for her more than anything in the world is for her to be happy. As usual, in the back of my mind I still doubt that I'm good enough for her--but she's reassured me time after time that she's lucky to have someone as great as me. And then I feel that I am the one that's lucky to have her...but in the end, it's a beautiful thing. We both love each other very much, and we're both very grateful to be where we are. But she gives me a reason to get up in the morning, a reason to keep on going when it gets hard, a reason to look for the positive in everything.

Olivia and I are getting married just after Thanksgiving--just under two months from now--and I am really nervous/excited about it. It's a very exciting time in my life, and I can honestly say that I've never been happier. Not that life is any easier per se, in fact it's become much more stressful in some respects. But she has helped me get one step closer to my goal. Serenity. She makes me feel like I'm good enough, like I'm worth something. She's willing to look past my imperfections and just love me anyway--something that I have a hard time doing with myself. I still have a long way to go before I do reach total serenity--and it's something that I have to fight and work for every day--but I am so grateful for her. I don't know what I would do without her.